Tomorrow is International Women’s day.
I wonder what has been changing.
I recall myself a while ago, very into a dangerous place not to others, but to myself.
For a 7-month period, I have lived a very similar story to Rihanna, remember her?
She is the singer, who I barely heard of before the scandal of her abuse, in 2009.
Paraphrasing P.P. Didi, I also discovered I left my dream behind and almost forgotten: “If you’re not following your dream, it is a sign that you’re not moving faster enough”, talking to Ellen Degeneres in her program launched back in March 10, 2009.
Even though most details don’t coincide, something reminds me of her. One is referring to the denial to make a distinction of the first signs of the mental, emotional and physical abuse. Many women don’t realize the abuse. As clear differences, to cite some, backgroundwise I don’t know abuse around me. As kids, we understood discipline, not abuse. I can see control and over protection in the family. Even though these details don’t point to the roots of the issue, I still felt identified with it at that point in time.
Writing this piece, I isolated three strong elements for the concession of abuse:
- History of previous abuse in the family of origin;
- Intense need to nurture the victim found in the ‘other’. As women, we come from a place of nurturing, prepared since birth to be mothers, as well as ‘nurturers’.
- In similar cases, on top of that, women tend to hurt themselves first instead of others, according to studies.
Carl G Jung, the Swiss psychoanalyst, would turn to the unconscious and the collective unconscious to explain the issue. According to him, we women share the history of our ancestral ‘girls’ relatives as well as the entire humanity who came to this world previously. As a counselor with previous experience in the relationships issues as well as substance abuse, and coming originally from an emerging country, the experience in emotional and physical abuse came across my practice many times.
With Oprah launching a week of programs to all Rihanas of the world, that year I recall how collective was to feel identified with the topic and how many were identified or maybe left their own ‘Chris Browns’ that same year. Some just cannot do it.
The high level of violence and obsession that implies in being in the relationship surrounded by statements like ‘I’ll find you, anywhere you go’, stay in your mind for a long time. Many of the abusive men use this not only to possess a woman as well as to provide evidence in their minds that this is love.
The other statement “I’ll kill you if you leave me” sounded so natural to a controller. How many women cannot see when the boundaries are too stretched and then, become vulnerable to this so called ‘love’?
The process of finding ‘Rhyannas’ who are sufficient open to talk about and heal themselves continues next. As a result, sometimes even a new family can emerge considering people who are sharing the healing process, growing and establishing new perspectives together.
Can we women, justify an attitude by just being addicted to being loved?
The passionate focus on the intensity of the feeling, the drama and jealousy that accompany the extreme process and the abuse as a result are the connections to some of the facts. The rest are pieces of information gathered through the years of my experince.
For me, personally this is history that made me stronger knowing better what I want based on what I don’t want. I hope it serves to ‘Ryannas’ friends all over the world, on their day, independently of nationality. The formula seems simple: acceptance of the facts and forgiveness after all and then please, girls, move on.